Love is not about pride .

Yes . true . but idk whether my bf rlly love me or he MIGHT still have THAT tiny feelings for SOMEONE else . well idk , things change . people change , everything change . why oh why ?! idk laa haissssssssssssss . k idk what to say alr ah . this is life . well , teenage love . i dont think we can last till marriage also , no hope . cos girls out thr nowadays are bitches . hais .. why oh why he change ?! WHY ?! i dont like >: I MISS YOU . YES YOU . BUT THE OLD YOU . COS THE NEW ONE SUCKS ! k enough , bye .

Can't possibly sleep thinking bout you mum );

hi . its been so long so err .. i cannot tahan already with my feelings all . hais . ); i wish someone knew i was not okay by looking through my eyes . cos im tired of pretending to be ok all this while . im not ok . why ? idk lah . once again , i feel that im useless . i saw a group of family , people posting stuffs abt family in fb . yes , i am jealous . i am fucking jealous ok . as i was thinking abt my past , my perfect times , i feel that i was the reason why my parents divorce . i think i am the fault . im so sad . yes , crying now . i've yet to slp and its 0605 am . hais . its been a year since i last met my mum . its sad to know that she is perfectly fine and ok without me while im so depressed and cant let go of the past cos i love her so much . im so ashamed of my family . even my bf's family is not like mine . his family is perfectly fine . why do i have to think abt it again ? why must everyone keep reminding me abt family indirectly through fb ? why do a guy like hadi exist ? knowing that he knows my family background and he have the heart to spread around about it . why cant i frgt the past ? why are humans nowadays fucked mentally ? why ?! why do they think that relationship is the main thing about teenage life ? being so heartbroken and depress about "TEENAGE LOVE" ? at least they have a complete family right ? who is there for them ? who never come and go like humans who is a stranger became friends to bestfriends to boyfriend and they only have one heart , and why do some guys think that they can fix millions of girls hearts ? why ? family is always there . guys come and go to me . friends too . but at least i hae sheetal , christal , joey , sharmin and some others TRUE FRIENDS . unlike nadya and the other biatches *no offense* . like srsly why cant i hv a complete family ? why can other ppl ? )': i am fucking jealous ok . very fucking jealous . if i had a chance , i would be alr dead but cos of some people , i knw that i love them , i dont have the heart to leave everything just like that . seriously , im so sad . i wish there is someone who can give me a hug , some advices , give me some tissues ? to wipe my tears not to expand my boobs size oh please . -.- hais i wish , someone rlly understands me . i wish thr is someone who knows , i am smiling but when they look into my eyes , i am a different person . yes i am a cheerful girl . i USED to be a very bubbly girl . thats when i was in pri sch . now ? no . im not . ppl call me emo and stuffs . yes , that hurts me too cos it simply means that they can see im changing . from a cheerful girl to a one emo shit . to be honest , im not emo . im just sad . sad for some reasons not because of "TEENAGE LOVE" okay . -.- sad cos of my family . it is screwed . im embarrassed cos my life is empty . i wish i can rewind the time when my mum was around , when i was so young and not looking into a relationship . i wish i had a mum , who loves and cares for me sincerely . thats all . k im done . 0620 , whatsapp-ed bf , guess i shall try to slp . bye . :D (: |: \: ): D: T^T I AM FUCKING SAD ! BYE .

sick girl T^T

hi so uhm its been effing long snce i posted a new post so uhm yeah , been quite busy lately working at macd with joey/renne at sengkang hoho ! very tiring yet fun at times . okay la these few days work fun ah but today i was fucked up because of this stupid old aunty mf knn ccb she ah , order me to clean this and that but she only do the fucking tray . stupid bitch ! might as well dont work right , asking ppl to do your job then you get the pay . ccb angry sia _|_ but luckily aft break , i had to served the customer . omg so confusing plus rushing sia so many ppl >.< hehs . and for yesterday , 281011 , friday , i had to fry the french fries . and thrs like alot of customer wtf . damn busy rushing and tiring sia . that thingy so heavy and slippery fr me tp carry until my hand is swollen . and i got fever idk why but i think its because of the weather these nowadays . keep on raining , been showered by the rain and from sengkang to wdlnds take 161 its like damn cold . and now i feel so weak plus tmr got work at 0830 fucking early so tiring pls shit ): hais .. im so giddy man . hahahaha ok thats all fr today , goodnighty ~ ^^v

It's always my fault . I'm always wrong . I'm sorry )':

" spoiling peoples relationship " ya im in between . its all my fault right ? im always wrong . although you all don't know my whole story , you all assume . okay fine then , im wrong , im always the main problem , happy ? its funny people these days assume things they want it to be ya know . well then if its my fault , im sorry . i dont have any intention to tear them apart . i wanted them to be together , i didn't know he would fall for me . i am seriously sorry . but if she wants him back , i would let go of my happiness just to see them happy okay ? even though i may sound as if i don't want him already or whatever shit , deep inside , i love syahdirwan and that's all i really know . and i am happy if he is . im sorry baby for spoiling your relationship last time . i am mean right ? im always in between right baby ? im sorry , forgive me please D'x i guess maybe , i really don't deserve being loved and all . but i still love you , only youuuuuuuuuuu >':

I only exist when YOU NEED SOMETHING FROM ME _|_

people nowadays -.- they only ask you fr help and shit only when they need something from you . ahaha this type of people , tsk2 wake up uh , im not a servant k . ahahaha k bye kiss my TOE !

I'm forever sad girl T^T

i never did forget you . ): you left me , you promised you would return back but no , you didn't . haishh . you told my dad , i've changed , yeah maybe . but you were the one who changed first . its like , yaa really , what do you actually want ? you left us and expect us to find you during hari raya , how is tt gonna happen ? eh , i miss you and how i wish you know that . its diff okay , hari raya without you . its really sad okay . everywhr i go , i see fam with their baju kurung , all same color , so damn cute and yes im jealous , VERY ! ): remember that bear you bought for me when i was in pri 6 ? when i really love the color yellow as it resembles happy to me ? i used to be cheerful , happy girl . but see what happen to me now . i've turned into someone who cries almost everyday , thinking , wondering if we will ever meet again , whether you even remember me , your own child . D'; because of you , im ashamed of my life because its simply , empty . )'x i wish you are here with me now . i seriously would want to hug you , i miss you alot alot alot ! do you even know how you make me feel ? i was hoping to meet you this year , but infact , no , we didnt </3 haish someone , help me , how am i gonna forget the past and move on happily ?! can i ever be happy again ?! :'/ haiishhh </////////////////////3
- ; // sadlife T^T

And it hurts so bad not having YOU here . T^T

hi . ): as usual , im a foreversadgirl97@hotmail.com ): haish .. that feelings when you really miss someone so much from your life . the one who is related to you , left you . the one who took care of you for years , 9 months is the most painful one . the one who you thought would always be there for you but things change . the one who has the best cooking for you . the one who feeds you when you were sick . the one who is very patient to teach you how to walk when you dont even know how to walk nor stand still . the one who you talk back to when they nag at you . the one who suddenly change their mind , and do things that make you fall into pieces . the one who you says you hate , you dont wanna meet yet you love them , hard to forget , the one who you miss so damn much in your life . yeah that person , used to be there for me . i wonder if im going to meet that person tomorrow . its like , really damn fucking sad to the max to the core when you actually force yourself to be happy infront of others , but behind everyone , you shed tear , till your eyes looks somehow swollen , you scream , till you get sore throat or even lost your voice , you do things that hurt yourself , till people have bad impression of you . its really really sad you know )': i've always wish that i have a simple , normal , HAPPY life . thats all . but everything is all gone . its like , sorrows have take over me . and i feel sad everyday , every hour , every minute , every second , thinking about the past . i wish someone can help me forget everything in the past just so that i can at least start anew HAPPY life . infact , sorrows took over me , i dont even know what it feels like to be happy . im only happy when i have my someone , my only one , Muhammad Syahdirwan Bin Jumari . yes him , he never fail to make me laugh like a mad girl when i dont even want to smile . i love him and he should know that . frankly speaking , i feel jealous looking at people who has a perfect complete family . my eyes will somehow filled with water and sometimes , i cant even hold on to it , but i have to pretend as though my eyes are itchy . haish >: why must these things happen to me ? why does these things keep revolving around my eyes ? WHY WHY ?! D''''; the only thing i want in life is HAPPINESS . but what is this ?! )': haiyomah ~ life is so straightforward yet people make things complicated and UNFAIR ! how can i possibly be normal if i can never be happy again ?! i used to be damn fucking happy but look what happen to me now . people call me emotional and whatever shit but no . i just cant be happy anymore . i dont feel anything great in life . i think im useless . im always the main problem . im so sorry to always be like this all the time . haishh . i diedie wanna apologize to that person who is related to me ya know ): like last year , september , hari raya , the time when that person want to leave , my eyes turned read , i shed a tear , that person bend down , hugged me , and we both cried . haishh . how i wish my life is normal , like those other people . i dont want hari raya because , i dont need money actually . the main thing for hari raya is when your family gather , spend time together and all . haish im so fucking sad like ya . i wish someone can just stab my heart <///////////////////////////////3 i dont wanna live no more , crying , thinking about the past that makes me hurt myself . im sick and tired of living without family love . and obviously , when one party in the family is missing , it is not called a COMPLETE FAMILY . ): some people should really bersyukur kepada tuhan that they have a complete family and they should cherish it . but some people , dont even cherish it nor bersyukur man wth right ! im dying to have a complete family ahhhhhhhhhhh k bye ah haish </3 >':

Thanks

eh hi . thanks eh aku batal puase eh . ah k da puas ? ape lg kau nak ? da ah bye .

Jealous looking at people who have a complete family )':

Hi . its been so long since i posted a new post like oh yeah baybehhh ~ ahehe . so ermm .. i've been crying these few days cause ........ i saw my mum ytd . she's currently working at pasar malam like omg , i've been walking there quite a number of times but yesterday was the only day i saw her . im so sad ): i miss her so much you know ! uhmm cause she left me when i just got my psle results ? like yeeeaaahh ..... so here's how the story starts , my parents , me and my father's best friend were at m'sia condo . they went to swimming at the condo there then i was kinda okay uh but right aft i check my mum's phone , her inbox , i was damn shock and downtrodden . i showed my 2nd bro the convo of my mum and my dad's best friend , ah teng , they confess to each other . how can a mother do this to us like seriously ? what is not enough ? i know im not good enough . im not a good daughter . but why must she do this to us actually ? )': then aft that my grandmother came in my room , asking me why im crying and she saw me holding my mum's phone . so she asked me why but i say nothing i want to go back to sg . then as my parents came back with that ah teng , my mum asked me why am i crying and asked my 2nd bro as well . but the both of us told her we want to go back to sg . but my grandmother , she told my mum i wasa crying while i was holding my mum's phone . and then my mum got mad , me and my bro somehow disrespected her by answering her in a harsh way . not long aft , my dad called me and indra out for a talk . then we both got scolded but yeeaah , because of nothing . how awesome can it be ? just because we dont want to see our parents divorce , we didnt say anyth abt mum . we kept everyth to ourselves . and from that day onwards , i started to disrespect ah teng , including my mum . you know the feelings when you follow your mum to the mall and she wanted to get something , a wallet and a ring and she said she want to give it to dad but you saw those things is with someone else , which is your own father's best friend ? like fuck right ? )': then i kept those things i think about for few weeks or maybe a month . then one day , we went to karaoke at m'sia then at night we went to this coffee shop with a somehow stage for anyone to come up to sing which is located nearby our condo and its like , my mum is always with her phone texting someone then ah teng asked me if i want him to teach me how dj usually work then i told him to shut up . he said "sampai hati tasya bobal nan uncle macam gini" then i reply , "yer , sampai hati uncle buat keluarge tasya gini ! " *eyes filled with tears , roll eyes* then my mum brought me inside the coffee shop , we were seated on the sofa and she was still texting , so yeah my dad thought that she care to text more than me so he went in to check who she was actually texting with . then my mum quickly delete every single msgs before my dad could actually snatch her phone . he asked my mum whr has all of the msgs gone to and they started to shout at each other , quarreling , arguing IN PUBLIC ! you know how embarrassing it is ?! :/ then my dad misunderstood , he thought my mum was contacting with his other friend , but no , its ah teng . my dad screamed , asking me to follow him back home then off to sg . then i stopped infront of my mum , crying . my mum told me to stay but my dad came and asked me to follow him , so yeah . we went to condo and took everyth . we went back to the coffee shop , that stupid ah teng step good2 only padahal 2 faced ccb _|_ then my dad wind down the window , asked my mum , if she think her current boyfriend is more important or *finger pointing at me * then she asked for her passport so my dad had to gv it to her . i was crying like some mad girl , till my eyes were swollen then my mum PROMISED that she would return back . so i TRUSTED her . as we reached at sg , my bro asked why mum is not arnd so i told him everyth then my bro asked me to tell my dad the whole story , the truth so i do as he say . waited for my mum to return back , but not even her nose were seen . only her presence </3 *sigh* sadlife right ? i know ): haiss .. then when i saw her ytd , she like not happy sia when she see me . she quickly turn away when she saw me and im like so sad . >: i wish i could hug her , have her back , but no , i know i cant )'x im so so so so so sad . and thats why , sometimes , i keep quiet suddenly because all this things snapped my brains and i was thinking , wondering , why is this things happening to me and do i really deserve all this . haiss .. <///////////////3

OHIMJUSTWONDERING (; ♥

harro ! :D hehehehe you know what ?! i lurp my boyprrrrrrrrren like HELLYEAH meowmeow >.< hehehehe ! i miss him like damn much cannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn ?! teehee xP why is he so damn effing cute like ohhhhhhhh ammmmmmm geeeeeeeeeeeeeee ?!?!?!?! bwahahaha ~ okay so now , i feel soooooooo soooooooooo soooooooooooooooo weird . LOL ! reading those love letters which he gave made me smile and laugh myself for no reason and make other people think im crazzehhhh . its like yes im happy . and at the same time , im just wondering .................................... if i actually deserve those things i've been wanting and waiting for so long , and finally , i got them . but suddenly , the feelings when i feel that im not good enough for him . and i know that he deserve someone better . you know that feeling ? yeah it sucks ttmttc . but despite all that , i just want my boyfriend to know that , i love him very very the muchie and i miss him very very the muchie okiie . <: and nobody , N-O-B-O-D-Y has EVER made me feel the way HE do . therefore , i wouldn't want to lose him , ever . haish .. okay now , i know im not good enough but yeah i hope he love me the way i am . oh anw , i may be apologizing a lot of times its just because i'd choose to stay where i am with you rather than my ego . okay thats all i can say . sayonaraaaa mr moustachey meowmeow purrrrrrrrr ~  

Like wowoweee ~ ♥

Alohaaaa ~ hahahahaha . ayee , me and my bf okay alr i iz zo happehhhh meowmeow ! >.< lolololol he's so cutee gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah >:B Watashi wa anata o aishite imasu Muhammad Syahdirwan Bin Jumari ♥♥♥♥♥ hehehehh okay now , its really shocking , my used to be damn close sisters , nadya , sheetal , iffah , diyanah & liza now are quite okay with me . diyanah asked me when i'll be seating with them during recess and im like , heart attack lehhhhhh ! so sudden LOL seriously . its damnnnnnn awkward cause we've fought fr kinda long and suddenly , they're okay with me . suddenly , that time , aft D&T , liza was alone as nadya didnt attend sch , liza told me she wanna talk to me if i have the time so yeah , she A-P-O-L-O-G-I-Z-E-D . like WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW !? hahahaahhahaah and sheetal now is kinda close with me , we kept tickling each other and all . but but but , i wonder , whyyyyyyyyyyy is this sooooooooo sudden O.o i feel so awkward . HAHAHAHAHA . REALLEHHH ! im serious hahahha . like MARVELOUS-O ! heheheheh . omg im so happehh meow purrpurr ~ (=^.^=) hahahahaha happygirlforever97@hotmail.com xP cheh lol step only ah ! HAHAHAHA . oh yes , my studies have been going up up and awayyyy ~ no lah , like , improve uh . and im lovin` it ~ x{D hehehe . imma hangout with my chinese friends to study more often . i wanna go temasek polyyyyyyyyy like oh yeah oh yeah oh yeaaah , heyyyyyyyyyyyy ! weeeeeeewaaaaaaaaaawoooooooooo ! hahaha anyhoo , i didnt went to sch today . i overslept and i was damn tired and lazy and yeah yeah yeah ~ :p hahahahahaa okay laah , today got oral , i'll be gg to sch later in the afternoon HAHAHAHA . yey i suck at oral . omg at least , i wish i pass ahahaha ok can sayonaraaaaaaaaa ~ :{D  

It's hard to tell people how i really feel . That's why , i prefer to keep things to myself :'/

ouch . :'/ it really hurts when you try to hold on your tears because of something and someone . i look damn ugly . i've never look pretty . NEVER . you imagine you sent a long inbox to someone but in the end , they reply a fucking short line like as if they dont even care . you know , i am a hardcore bitch who listens to hardcore songs . but that doesnt mean im strong inside . im weak , really . i cry a lot . because of everything i've been through . everything my parents did , was infront of me . how my exs cheated on me . made me lost so much trusts in guys . but despite all that , i really love my bf , obviously . my mum left me and my dad used to not care abt me so much as he actually pays more attention to other filipino girls than his kids . he almost left all of us on december this yr to go to phillipines to stay thr but luckily , my bro had to go to NS so my dad cant possibly leave me alone . my exs ? LOL ask me personally abt them okay ? and i'll answer . but dont mind me crying . im so emotional )': HAHAAHAH seriously !~ :/ haissh ok im zo zad tonight we've been quarreling2 arguing2 haiyooooooh D'x tsk ! sayonaraaaaaaaaaa ~ :/

I miss somebodeh ~ :'/

hi wall . i love you wall . omg you're always here when i need you . im so sad now even though im smiling , im so so so damn effing sad . its been 2 days being so cold . i miss my boyfriend very vely verreh much . but idk whether he misses me too . well , maybe i'll consider it as a NO . i kept quiet , i pretend everything was all fine . in fb and everywhr but , to be honest , im really sad . imagine the only person who can make you happy , is not around , and you feel damn sad , damn cold and speechless . doesn't mean i didnt text/call him means i've alr frgt abt him , NO , NEVER WILL . i love him so much even though we quarrel and argue so much . and im wondering if he love , as much as i do . but its okay , im not like other girls , i know . im not pretty , im not smart , my family is broken into pieces and im so fucked . i can never make anyone happy anymore right ? i usually make people angry , sad . im so useless right ? why do i exist like , SERIOUSLY ? i can never make him happy like how i used to , when he was at his lowest right ? i miss those times we both shared each others feelings . we actually made each other smile by cheering each other up . and its like , we both understand each other so much . i miss those times when we take a walk every night , telling stories about each other's life , when he swept off my feet , when he gave me the first kiss that night before sportsday , when he held my hands at changi , when he lend me his shoulder in the bus when i was really tired , when he never fail to send me long messages the first thing in the morning and last thing every night before we turn in , when he look for me when he need to talk to someone . i miss all those friggin much omgggg )'x we both seems happier together before in a r/s . why everything turn out this way , now ? )': we seem to be drifting apart . i dont feel his love anymore . why ? :'/ omg i miss you Muhammad Syahdirwan Bin Jumari Dx i cant get you off my mind b . please , why are we always quarreling and arguing ? i don't like ): i want the old us , we used to be so happy together when im into you . when you got over nadya , when the only girl you wnt and can make you happy is me . is thr any other girl who can replace me ? take over my position now ? if thr is , and you're happier with her , more satisfy , and you think she deserves you , go for her . im happy if you're happy . the only thing i want you to have in life is happiness . i dont want things to turn out even worse . thats why , i think , there's other girls out thr is way btr than me . and yes , you deserve better dont you ? i suck at love right ? even if thr is any girl out thr , who's going to be yours next , or you fell for , im always here for you and i love you , never will i love anyone else out thr as much as i love you b . ♥ 

I've no words to say , since YESTERDAY . thanks to you (:

Alohaaaaaaaaaa !~ :D lolololololol you know yesterday , 22 07 2011 , i somehow fought with my bf . from morning till today , 23 07 2011 , we've not talk . * controlling the urge of texting/calling him * URGHHH ~ very hard you know ! LOL . sometimes he joke around , yeah but what he say , can kill me , seriously . sorry uh if i cant take jokes . but thr's a limit ok ? k best . and whatever you said yesterday did , left me unspoken . i didn't text nor call or even talk to you neither look at you . not because of anything , just that , i need to calm myself down cause i dont wanna be the one who say things and will leave you unspoken just like you did . so yeah , feel me ? no right ? k nehmind , im used to all this . i can never be perfect . im not always happy . but with you , everything seems to be alright . i didn't know words can kill me . omg i miss my somebodeh ): haiyaah ~ i've not eaten since yesterday . im not hungry at all . but my tummy hurts a lot since yesterday morning . that's why im so damn fucked up yesterday . i feel so insecure . I SUCK AT LOVE , DON'T I ?! i know . other girls out thr is always better than me . im so tired of life . VERY . idk why i exist . i hurt people , always and i dont deserve to live . im useless right ? so yeah ~ he deserve someone better than me . i suck at love , life and EVERYTHING ! im never gonna be as how i used to , happy , cheerful . i miss my old me . and i do , miss him , THE OLD HIM . when he fell for me , chased after me , when he never fail to make me feel not lonely , when there's no other girls in his mind , only me . when he's always there without me knowing until my friends have to tell me he's here and there watching me .  i miss the night when he first kissed me , hug me and during sportsday , he shouted my name when i ran for 4x100m . i miss all those because , i feel like im the only one who can make him happy . now it seems like i cant make anyone happy anymore . i always make people sad . we often quarrel for small matters because of me . i miss him now . and i guess , im not gonna eat today . lost appetite since yesterday till now . like yeah ~ okay bye :/ haish ..

I'm tired , very :|

idk why or what but lets make it short and simple , im tired of life . okay ? k thanks im so sad like idk why also but then again , im really sad . LOL fuck la thats it lah bye .

F-A-I-L-baby-F-A-I-L :p ♥

Halo :D heheheh its 1230 again like WOW . ahhaha WOW . okay im so damn tired and sleepy today . okay so now , you see that picha above thr ? ya that ? hahahahahaha its for my one and only boyprrrrrrrrrrrrren Muhammad Syahdirwan Bin Jumari :B heheheh you know why ? cause today i went to meet rachel at adm to go to yishun . we wanted to go to cinelesure then hor at yishun go pastamania , left pastamania at arnd 6 . then we went to this shop , cause i wan get my tube . lol then aft that horr , we take bus then go cwp to buy my SOMETHING . then then then , we walk2 at cwp fr awhile , go see perfume & makeup then want go home lor . when i was on my way , in 912 with rachel , i reaching 888 , my bro text me ask me whr am i . then i say i otw home . then as i got out of the bus , i was walking home , alr cross zebra crossing then indra call me . he said syahdirwan was with him . he asked me to go thr meet syahdirwan . then i had too walk back to 888 laah hor . then my bro told me syahdirwan came to my hs , wanted to gv a suprise , at 5++ but i wasnt at home . THEN IM LIKE , I DONT BELIEVE , DONT LIE TO MEH HORRRR :B then then , he said , serious , ask aunty if dont believe . then i like , HAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHA SO CUTE >.< i love my bf lol pity him leh ! he late fr sch because of me then hor , come my hs to find me but i not around so sad life for him hor xD luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuul . okay lah thats all fr todayyyyyyyyy . imma turn in alr . later late agn fr sch dady veryth noisy xP lol hehe ok bai . see ya tmr babyku cute mute , mr syahdirwan jumari , aka mr lembut :p hahahahaha bye i lurp chew very , verreh , belly , belleh the much ttmttc . ♥ ♥ ♥

Late for school xP

oh hello . i didnt go school today loooooooooooool . cause i slept quite late ytd , waiting for that someone to at least reply or text laa horr . i woke up late , at 7am when i heard my bro knocking on my room door . he unlock th door then told me my bf is waiting for me outside the house . then like oh am geeeee ! late alr . sanggup die datang depan rumah nak amek aku walaupun da lambat . i feel like im so bad sia . then i still sad he nvr reply my msg so i say i duwan go sch . tell him go . i sad sio ! what if he's late ? because of me ? :/ noooooooooo omggggggg whyyyyyyyyyy ): i miss him please ): i want him now please . ): haiyooooooo ~ :/ im zo zad lah okai bye Dx

Maybe when I stop speaking , then you will start noticing . :/

Haluuuu ~ okai this is meh . i just shower like oh WOW ! >.< lolololol it's 12:30am and im sleepy yet still awake . you know why ? cause im waiting for my boyfriend to reply my text . waaah like fun liddat ah wait for someone to reply a text . people call also duwan answer . so sad you know ): why must we always like this ? can we be more like last time ? i miss the old 'us' :/ i miss the old me and the old him . i miss those times when i know i feel i see that im the only girl that can satisfy him , make him happy and so on . but now , it seems like im making things change . we often argue because of small matter and also , i usually make him sad . i dont like to see him sad ): i feel sadder when he's sad ): i miss those times when we dont care whr or when thr is a lot of people around us yet we're holding hands , teasing each other , look into each other's eyes when we're talking . i feel so different now . why ? :'/ i dont want like this one . i so sad . i waited for his text since just now . but its okay , its getting late . i've got science test tmr plus he got N lvl oral , so yeah , goodluck baby . i iz zo zad Dx whyyyyyyy ?!?!!?! idfk urgh )x maybe the only thing i should do now is to stop speaking so that he'll notice . :/ but not talking to him kills me laah okay </3 to be honest , i seriously miss him , miss being like how we were last time and i miss myself . idk why , thing change . something's not right . but i hope things won't repeat again like how it have been repeating throughout my entire life . my first sec sch ex was someone who's in 3n1'2011 , okai , he cheated on me . here it goes , when i was in sec 1 , i entered fuchun , i saw him , love at first sight . then , he winked . i was extremely shocked ttmttc . then in fb we were so damn close . and thr is this guy , iskandar , from fuchun also , he said zam wants my num . but i didnt know his name was zam so i said anything . then zam text me . he's sweet talks made me fall for him . he told me he was single , and we got even closer and closer . and one day , he asked me for steady uh horr . then i said lemmie think abt it . the next day onwards , i found out he got a gf , raihana , 3n1'2011 . then i felt damn guilty cause i didnt know . and i was in between . we both found out , zam also contacting with some other girls from other sch . then i told my friends and broke into tears . i was damn friggin sad , the feeling when someone timer , cheated your feelings , you put high hopes , yet that someone just broke you into pieces and you fell . so , they broke up and i left him . thus , from that day on , things seems to be repeating over and over . i regret loving guys and let them crush me . i don't believe in love nor trust guys . but then , when i met syahdirwan , i was REALLY afraid to fall in love again . because of my past . but he seems different . he don't sweet talk . and its hard to find guys like him . cause in fb , quite a number of guys asked me for numbers , intro whatever shit then i lazy to entertain . i thought i will never fall for anyone anymore since the last ex i've got . yet , Muhammad Syahdirwan Bin Jumari proved me wrong  he is the one , who cheered me up , spend so much time with , share personal things . hey baby , remember me ? remember when you were contacting with nadya ? you told me about your past didn't you ? and i was there when you were at your lowest . remember ? :/ we used to be friends -> best friends -> like father like daughter -> something more than that and now , he is part of my life since 1st May 2011 and i hope that we can last long . and i hope he's not like zam . i know , he's different . but you might not know things might happen , people change . right ? :/ baby lets be like how we used to be before can we ? last time , i dont have to wait for text or anything . you'll always start a topic and i really miss all that . i miss you now and from the bottom of my heart , i really do love you so damn much . even though i may be sarcastic , mean , whatever at times , i will always love you , yes i will . trust me , i love you more than anyone loves you or loved you or will ever love you . seriously , i've NEVER loved anyone as much as i love syahdirwan . and i tell you what , i will treasure him unlike his ex or whoever shit those girls who've made him fall and broke into pieces . i wont break his heart . i wont be like any of my ex nor his . cause i know how it really feels when you really love someone but that someone keep hurting you , taking care of their own feelings . i know and if i make him sad before , i'll try my best not to , from now on . cause , i love you and whatever hurts him , hurts me too . alright thats all , goodnight . wish you goodluck baby fr your N lvl oral . love ya ♥ 

You know , faking a smile is so damn easy :/

Hi . this is uhmmmmmmm me ? :D hhehehe . idk ah so random hor take photo LOLOLOL . actually idk what's my mood right now . so many things is happen and im still confused . you know i'd rather feel sad melancholy , sorrowful , downtrodden , depressed , unhappy , gloomy , feeling a bit blue , down in the dumps , mournful , having a heavy heart , cheerless , joyless , woebegone , desolate , doleful , in low spirits , rueful , lamentable , tearful , crushed , dark , somber , pathetic , grieving , wretched than letting others feel that way . i keep things to myself , bottle up my feelings and when i cant take it anymore , i'll show my fucked up attitude to everyone around me . haiyah ~ actually idk what to do now . cause like ........... idk ah :/ very the speechless . i dont even know what to type . and im so so sad . and that's that . although my mood change very fast , i still feel something is just not right . it seems like i suck for life . i suck for everything . im like fucked up idk whether im angry or sad or happy or whatever shit I DON'T KNOW OH AM GEE CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT ?! -.-" haish .. i guess im just so down . i feel like making myself vanish from everyone . im like no longer a happy girl anymore since i stepped into fuchun sec . like knnccb i hate fuchun . -_______- a lot of things have been changing as well as myself . and i dislike that . idk ah im like down yet i have th mood to eat . i need someone to talk to actually like seriously like yaaaaaaaaaa . probably a girl , not a boy ok bye lah bye haishh ~ :/ 

Love is sacrifice ♥

Baby , if you think im cheating on you like some of your ex did or i dont have feelings for you then i've got nothing to say . srsly , i've never had this strong feelings for any of my ex before . its like , a first love , my one and only true love . wasn't it written all over my face ? you know i dont say sweet things frequently well its because i dont want people to think im a sweetalker or whatever . just that , this is how i feel right now . i dont know how to explain to you how much i really do love you . i dont know how to make you believe anymore that i love you so damn much . i miss you a lot yeah really . additionally , i wish thr is someone who can help me to make you believe that my love for you is faithful . but its okay , this is life . i have to face it anyway . so here i am , wondering what am i suppose to do to make you believe . you know sometimes i show you my fucked up attitude but behind all that , you don't know actually i do regret and hurt myself . and i really dont like it when you talk abt my past . you should know why yesterday i acted that way . actually this morning when i just wake up from sleep as you texted me at 4++am which is when i fell asleep so i read your msg saying , " no , thr's no tmr , no later , bye " ouch . :/ and i thought you would at least bother to text me but as i log in to fb , the first thing i go to is your prof , duh . oh and wow , marvelous , you're having so much fun with your neighbour . i dont mind actually , but is it that hard to leave me a msg that you're alr awake ? i did piss you off the day before this thing happened but at least do you even care to text and ask what im doing and so on ? you were so happy when you're wall-to-wall with your neighbour . then , i cant take it anymore i posted , " the feelings when you don't even know what you're suppose to do and what you're actually feeling right now . -_____- urghh " & " im better off alone anyway " . oh then , you gave a fuck to call me . hey , actually i was waiting . i saw you wall-to-wall with your neighbour alas , idw to spoil th convo and also , i want to see if you will give a fuck actually about me . then as i ans th phone i kept quiet . why ? cause i hv no idea what to say . why ? cause you're always sad when you're with me , yet so happy when you're with your neighbour -that's from what i see- so you hang up th phone . oh how wonderful is that ? i actually had something to say , i wanted to ask you out but you hang up liddat so yeah , what am i suppose to do ? call back ? LOL ? so i went out with rachel . then when i reach waterfront , i called you , you asked me whr i was , i answered and you say i didn't even ask you to tag along with us . why didnt i ? because you were sooooo happy with your neighbour , you hang up the phone just like that , tell me when will i get the chance to speak , like srsly ? we've been tgt for 2 months and a lot of things happened alr . why ? i guess i just suck at love , right ? i will always show attitude for no reason right ? i've changed , right ? you know baby , despite all this , i really do love you . well if i dont , think back , why do i do things for you ? why do i cry for no reason ? why do i even bother to send you food right infront of your door step when you were starving even when my friends were at my house ? why do i have the time to go to the chalet instead of spending my time with my used to be bestfriends ? why must i lie to sheetal on that day , just for the sake of spending my time with you ? why do i even accompany you when you want to get something to eat somewhr even though its at night , with my sch attire on ? if i dont love you , i wouldn't be waiting for you at the library and lied to my friends just for the sake of seeing you . can't you see all this ? isn't it clear enough ? idk laah its up to you wanna believe or not . but seriously , i really do love you a lot . and i dont wanna lose you . baby , please tell me that you'll stay :'/ ilyvm bye ♥

It's all about him him him him him ♥

halu haluuuuuuuuuuu :D eh its weird y'knw ! just now i went out alone go fr a walk then when i return back home , my dad asked " hiii . your guyfriend not coming today ? " then im like .... hahah he's tired laa >.< hehehe . eh see over thr hor , that picha hor , i hor , miss him so the much hor . today never meet him hor . we somehow argue hor . i zo zad hor ): i miss him hor . you know what ? i may not be a perfect girl who has looks , has body figure , money or any other girls have . what other girls dont have is that , no one can ever love you as much as i do and how i treasure him ♥ i love him so fucking much ttmttc . meet up asap . i wan hug him badlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah >.< plus , kiss and bite nyehehe xP i love you baby HAHAHAHAHAHAA :D ♥ ok bye <: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL ^-^ he's soooo cute :3 hahahahahahaha k bye xD

My somebodeh ~ xD ♥

olloooooooooooo !~ hehehehheh . and that's my boyfriend (: THEN WHY GOT PROBLEM AH ?! ccb ! cheh ~ no link HAHAHAHA . i love him so much ohh yeah oh yeaaah ohhhh yeaaahhh ~ (x N lvl is coming and i wan him to study . gdluck eh ! >.< ahahahahahaa can you imagine he dont even know what's zodiac sign ? LOLOLOLOL SO CUTE RIGHT xD and he's 16+ going to 17 -.- CHEH AHAHHA . he likes to say im short -.- but wait , he's short too :p but veryyyyyy adorable ♥♥♥ hehehehe . i love him y'know ! lololol like duhh , obvious enough x3 hekhek ! he is a very good kisser , I LOIKE ! ;D hahahahahahahahaahaha no , really , he is xp ahahahahahah ~ he bought me angry bird key chain so i hang it on my sch bag , and he did th same thing too HAHAHAHAH CUTE RIGHT I KNOW . dont jealous k , he's mine (; lolololololol ok laah idk what to type liaozxc >.< hehe bye :B

So hard to say . so easy to type . :/

Hi . i srsly dont trust people these days . they are fucking hypocrite . cannot be trusted . 2 faced . this is all BULLSHIT ! HAHAHAHAHAHAA . eh srsly -.- lol . idk ah sometimes , people cant understand what we're trying to say . is it wrong for me to create a blog to post stuffs about my life ? i mean , non of my friends give a fuck abt my feelings anymore so what else ? i hv to meet nas to ask for help , tell him all my feelings , some people might thing the other way , as in , im after him or what . listen , i've got Syahdirwan . i dont need anyone else other than him alright ? thanks . oh anw , i've been trying to find afif to talk , well , he's one of my closest bro uh . so yeah . i only share things with people who im comfortable with . i tried to not find people to talk about all this so i started blogging . but hey , its also wrong huh . i express my feelings here . nadya knows abt this , and she's unhappy about the photo i posted which is taken by me , candid (syahdirwan&nadya) uh huh . oh hey , its my blog . you dont even give a fuck abt how you made me feel . long ago , i've alr knw that you were talking abt me bhind my bck and so on , i've kept quiet . what ? i posted on fb last time abt "im giving up for her blablabla " ? hah ! i almost did . i hurt myself in the end . like now , its fucking pain ttmttc . no lies . imagine , someone who is so damn close to you just treat you in such a way that you are replaced and being ignored now ? hah its okay . whatever makes them happy laah horr . idk what to do now . all i wanna concentrate abt now is my studies . alright imma go study now haaah bye (:

Must i face this all over again ? :'/

hey idk why i dont feel like doing my work . not lazy , just that im like giving up on everything . idk ah :/ hmm . oh yeah , i wonder if he want her back . well maybe ? only god knows . well if he does , im fine with anything . its not that because i want us apart thus i keep posting if he want her back or i gv up or wtv laah horr . just that , i love him and i wish he could get the best things in life . well maybe , just MAYBE , he might go for her back , idk but i know , i wont love anyone else as much as i love him . cause he's my type . i love him so effing much . idk what's best for him , whether to continue our relationship or maybe let it go , just to see him with my bestfriend , nadya . idk . i need help omg )': athirah even asked me if i like anyone else other than syahdirwan , but no . i rlly dont have anyone else in my mind except him . well i need to meet nas again to talk about this . i really need to talk to someone . >: omgggggg if thats the only way to see everyone happy , then thats it :/ idk laah . im so confuse pls . alright thats it , bye T.T

Boring saturday ~ ♥

yellowwwwwwww :3 hekhek ! today's saturday . like omfg sch gonna reopen ady like , WHR GOT TIME SIA GO SCHOOL ~ HAHAHA . srs . i dont wanna go sch lehhhhhhh . unless if i transfer sch then ohh yeah ohh yeahhhh oh yeaaaaaaah :p omg i've not done my homework siooo hahahaahahah nehmind gdgirl , later i do >.< lololololol . okay now , actually tday i gt to meet nadya , sheetal & iffah at 2pm . but apparently , i was too tired to get off my bed cause i slept arnd 3am last night so we didnt meet . nadya said its okay just meet on monday ok then i'll just follow th flow . (: its 3:24pm now and im still in th room =.=" hekhek ! oh yeaaaaah today my boyfriend will be back from KL hahahahaha woooooooooo ~ miss him siooooooo lolololol . oh and btw , i've cut my friggin hair and its like sooooo damn thin and short T.T lolol nehmind , hair can grow :B lololol ~ ok idw waste so much time here . ok bye , off to do my leftover hols assignments ;D

TasyAyera ♥

its friday friday ~ cheeh tating eh . lololol . omgomgomg i miss athirah so effing much siooooooo . its like FINALLY we meet like oh am gee >.< heeeeeeeeekheeeeeeeek sho happy y'know ! we met each other just now , at 1:28pm , jurong east interchange . shooooo very the tired y'know ! from woodlands all the way go to jurong east interchange . hekhek ^-^ we hugged each other , even though thr were a lot of ppl around us , we dont give a shit >.< hekhek ! not long aft , we started talking about pri sch , our leftover memories and abt our current sec sch life now . we headed to the mcdonalds but it was so effing crowded so we decided to go to long john silver . we were not sure what to get thr as i ate at long john silver the day before so yeaah . we went back to th mcdonalds as athirah saw an empty seat which is enough for the both of us . she bought double cheese just the burger , plain . well for me , i bought fillet o fish meal , upsize cause wanna share2 my drink & fries la horr ^^ heheh . when we were eating , i suggested to go to harbourfront as th scenery thr is nice and th place is very windy . AND I WAS LIKE OH MY GOSH MY TUMMY SUDDENLY GAVE ME SO MUCH PROBLEMS ! :O hahahahaha so i had to rushed to th lavatory . ok wth i dont have to specific EVERYTHING actually >.< lolololol . then we headed to harbourfront . took some pictures and chit chat . omg if we didnt fought last time , im sure we'll be in th same sch manzxczxczczcxzc . plus , i will ensure that my studies wont drop sioooo cause imma study with her . we also planned to work tgt during th november/december hols and one of those days she will be sleeping over my house , perhaps . had a awesome day with her today . we're also gonna meet up more frequently . alright its 9:18pm and im craving for food but idk what food to get omg hahahaahahha k bye :D  

Wonder what's wrong with me tonight :/

i dont know how many times i actually repeat same things all over again . but srsly its 4:08am and im missing my boyfriend and my girlfriends so fucking much . i wonder how my baby is doing at KL now . i just cant sleep tonight . i miss him so much ): additionally , i miss my girlfriends too . i miss those times when we keep meeting up to study or to have a break as it is a sch hols so yeah .. it's like , i know they meet up each other , without me . i know . i just kept quiet cause i find it so hard to say but so easy to type here . i cant look at them , idk why but i will remain as quiet as possible controlling myself not to shed a single tear infront of them cause i know if i cry , i'll cry , knowing they don't care . sometimes they cant see , i've been pretending im alright , like as if nothing ever happen . idk why , whenever i want to talk to them , i feel like crying at th same time . i miss them . i miss the old us . its okay i know they are happier and much more satisfied without me . i guess , nobody actually really needs me in their life . since im th one who's always the main problem in any situation . sometimes , i dont get them . asking a question also can be a big issue . probably , im gonna remain like this , throughout my life . why do i even exist when actually im always the main fault ? do i deserve living ? why do some ppl care so much ? i cant hide the emptiness which majority ppl let it show anymore . i cant be fake anymore . i never wanted things to be so cold . idk lah bye ah :'| 

Girlfriends ♥

shalalalalala ~ its thursday thursday thursday ohhhh ~ >.< heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh :B lolololol . omg idk what to say its like , i've got problems with my bestgirlfriends , which is idk why they are like this to me uhhhhhhh yeah :| its like , diyanah said i've changed . oh well , the thing is , i may have changed but do you know why ? have you been in my shoes ? the truth is , i've changed because of certain people , because of th way they treated me . like , yeaaahh . sheetal also said that i've been quiet lately but actually , no . i know they didn't like me so i dont wish to say anything cause im afraid whatever that i say might hurt them unintentionally . about liza , well , im not pretty sure what she's up to cause im sure whenever i tell her something , my feelings , my problems , she will tell the rest of my friends . iffah , she has got no problem . she's just fine , as usual . uhmmm .. nadya , well idk what or why , she've been very different . probably , because she still do have feelings for syahdirwan ? well idk .. she could've got him ALREADY by then but the thing is , she didn't treasure him thus , he came back to me . i actually wanted to help the both of them to be together but in the end , i was in between . i don't have any intention of tearing them apart , its just that , he suddenly start contacting back with me which is when i treated him as a friend ONLY not MORE not LESS . and the feelings starts to grow , i can't help it . its the way i feel . this happen actually since few months ago . just that , idk where , when , who to tell this to anyone or to post or to even write about it . cause , i'd prefer to keep things to myself but i guess i just cant take it any longer . i've lost my girlfriends , now , they are just bitching about me which is i fucking dont know what's their motive of doing so . perhaps , if nadya still do have feelings for syahdirwan , maybe , i might let him go . i rather see other people happy than myself . i've never been in this situation before . im so down . i dont want to let him go . its like , he's always thr when i need someone by my side . its so hard to decide . i love him so much that i dont want to let him go . but if its the best thing for nadya and him , im fine with it . cause i know nadya is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy better than me . i dont deserve him , he deserve someone who is better than me , which is nadya . my eyes are filled with tears alr . im so sad )': but its okay uh if that's what nadya and the rest of my girlfriends want , i am willing to do it . but omg , i just cant decide . im confused . i dont even want to leave syahdirwan like that either . Dx first time y'know , stating/sharing my feelings on th net ! so many things is running through my mind :'/ im so fucking stress ttmttc !!!! somebodeh help me pls T.T ♥♥♥ I miss my girlfriends so fucking much . we used to be so damn close . but now , everything's changed . )'x but it's okay though , im meeting them on this saturday perhaps . to clear things out . ok that's it , bye :'/

I wish you were here ~ ♥

hello :D HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA im so so bored . heeehs . i miss my boyfriend sia :/ my one & only muhammad syahdirwan bin jumari ♥ lolololololol . he went to KL this morning . he left me a message at 6:28am but i wasn't awake yet . very the sad y'know ! i shed tears last night , for nothing . cheh nolah . actually because i know i will miss him so the fucking much so yeaaah . D: lolololol . he'll be back on saturday . i was like , oh am geeeee ! so long right O.O cheeh padahal 3days only eh O.O but still consider LONG EH ! >.< heeh . cannot laaah , its like , usually he'll be with me most of the time y'know ! heheheheh . tkpelah , i still can wait ok . saya_girlpenyabar@hotmail.com (Y) cheh self praise eh , diam eh tasya xp hahahaa . imma wait until he returns back in SG on this saturday . wanna meet pretty pls ~ wanna hug , kiss & bite him pls ♥♥ ahahaahha ^-^ ok bye idk what to type alr have a nice dayyyyyyyyyyy :3 ☮